I first felt depression gradually becoming a part of my life when I was very young, but of course brushed it off to be something that was a normal phase of life, and truly believed what everyone told me growing up..…. “It’ll pass”.
--Well here I am, over 15 YEARS later and I am still able to talk about living with depression. This realization alone is very hard for me to swallow. The older I get, the more I begin to believe that all of this is something much worse than a “very common” bout of depression. I hardly feel that a 15-year long struggle is anything but common.
Tonight’s episode (yes I call them episodes) was alarming in the sense that I realized that there was no trigger that “set off” this downward spiral. This worries me. --It’s much easier to tackle something once you have an awareness of what’s causing the effect you’re experiencing, but tonight was completely unprovoked.
These types of accelerated depressive cycles are not common to me personally, but I fear they will the older I get. This is the part that scares me most profoundly. You never know with certainty how long each cycle will last (which causes intense anxiety with many suffers). Sometimes just a few hours, sometimes days….weeks and even months and years on end with no relief in sight. Hard reality to swallow. Many times, this intense anxiety can lead depressives to seek out self-destructive coping methods. I had mine once upon a time and I still FIGHT diligently to this day against those destructive outlets.
This is where Polykinetics comes into play for me. It has been my self-improving outlet and secret weapon that I use to prevent myself from falling into old self-destructive ways. It does NOT cure the depression or prevent cycles from occurring..I use it solely to manage symptoms. It simply ensures that I inflict myself with pain from squats and not scars. To which I can say I have been very successful at for over 2 years now.
What people have to understand about depression is that it’s not just “feeling sad”…that statement is a pathetic oversimplification that does more harm than good. --For me, it’s a tsunami of guilt, shame, hopelessness, despair....ANGER, and the worst part? There is no “depression inhaler” or “depression CPR” to aid the pain, you just simply have to “get through it”, and do so without causing unrest or distress to the lives of those around you. This is why most depression is fought in silence. We fear being a burden to others or experiencing a guilt trip when we do
Sometimes, all you can do is bite down and bear it the best you know how.....for me, that way is utilizing the intense melodic training discipline instilled into Polykinetics. --And i hope and pray everyday that this will help others out there with similar stories to my own.
Time to turn the pain into a source of EMPOWERMENT!